Love. How do we know it’s real? For me, it usually hits me like a ton of bricks. I might think I’m in love leading up to the big reveal, but true love for me pops up randomly, and at a moment that isn’t romantic at all. My most recent love revelation came while I was at work. I was all alone at the office one morning, waiting for my coworker to arrive. I was missing my love like crazy, having left him less than 24 hours before. I decided to use the universal stalking method, Facebook, to feed my need for his face, his presence, whatever. As I was looking through the photos that I looked through 100 times before, something changed. I can’t describe what the change was, or how I even felt before it came. All I know is that as I went through the photos, I completely lost myself in them. My heart filled up, my chest felt like it was going to explode, I was happy. Just looking at his face made me feel, infinite. When it dawned on me what I was feeling, I immediately retreated. Fear took over because I knew it was love. I also knew that if he didn't love me or decided he didn’t want to be with me anymore, it was going to hurt that much more because love was now a part of the equation. I closed Facebook, I tried to think of something else. But about two minutes later he texted me something perfect as always, and I knew I was a goner.
So here I am 3 months later, more gone than ever. As I sit here on the floor typing, he is sleeping next to me, clutching my leg, making me love him even more. I, of course, never revealed my true feelings, hoping beyond hope that he will someday feel the same about me and I can let all that I have kept bottled up out. That day hasn’t come yet, and that’s O.K…….sometimes. Other times, I feel like love, the word, the simple word, is going to make me go insane if I keep it inside any longer.
So why are we afraid to say it? I say “we” because I know I’m not the only one. Sometimes when he looks at me, touches me, says certain things to me, I think that maybe he feels the same way. But he doesn’t say it, so neither do I. I think sometimes, that he knows, that he’s on to me. I kiss him too often or hold him too tightly or look at him for too long, but he still says nothing, so neither do I. I love that I can love so fully, so unabashedly, so unconditionally, and so unrequited (or presumably unrequited). But I hate my lingering fear of rejection.
Is it worse to have a 50/50 chance that the person you love may love you back? Or is it worse to never know? Is it better to hope that they will someday love you back? Is all of this just a girly emotional rant? Or is this legitimate issue for everyone? I understand that people love at different speeds based on different factors. I understand that all fear begins in some form of insecurity, and when it comes to love, perhaps in some way, we feel we don’t deserve the love of our beloved.
I guess for all of us out there that are waiting for our loves to reciprocate their feelings before we admit ours, I hope for this Valentine’s Day (or someday very soon) we find the courage to break through the fear, brazenly admit our feelings, and as said so perfectly in the film Love Actually “Get the shit kicked out of us by love.”
For those of you who have already thrown caution to the wind and admitted your feelings and have had not so great results, you are my hero, you do what so many of us can’t do, and you deserve all the love that you were willing to give.
My blog today is written for everyone out there that isn’t afraid to feel love, but is afraid to say it to their love. I hope that one day we have the strength to put it all out there, to look fear in the face, admit our love, and be O.K. with the answer, even if it’s not the one we are looking for.
Song in my head: Set Fire to the Rain by Adele
Current Obsession: Love
Coming Next week: Control, and how losing it makes life so much easier.
