Love.

Love.  How do we know it’s real?  For me, it usually hits me like a ton of bricks.  I might think I’m in love leading up to the big reveal, but true love for me pops up randomly, and at a moment that isn’t romantic at all.  My most recent love revelation came while I was at work.  I was all alone at the office one morning, waiting for my coworker to arrive.  I was missing my love like crazy, having left him less than 24 hours before.  I decided to use the universal stalking method, Facebook, to feed my need for his face, his presence, whatever.  As I was looking through the photos that I looked through 100 times before, something changed.  I can’t describe what the change was, or how I even felt before it came.  All I know is that as I went through the photos, I completely lost myself in them.  My heart filled up, my chest felt like it was going to explode, I was happy.  Just looking at his face made me feel, infinite.  When it dawned on me what I was feeling, I immediately retreated.  Fear took over because I knew it was love.  I also knew that if he didn't love me or decided he didn’t want to be with me anymore, it was going to hurt that much more because love was now a part of the equation.  I closed Facebook, I tried to think of something else.  But about two minutes later he texted me something perfect as always, and I knew I was a goner. 

  

So here I am 3 months later, more gone than ever.  As I sit here on the floor typing, he is sleeping next to me, clutching my leg, making me love him even more.  I, of course, never revealed my true feelings, hoping beyond hope that he will someday feel the same about me and I can let all that I have kept bottled up out.  That day hasn’t come yet, and that’s O.K…….sometimes.  Other times, I feel like love, the word, the simple word, is going to make me go insane if I keep it inside any longer.

So why are we afraid to say it?  I say “we” because I know I’m not the only one.  Sometimes when he looks at me, touches me, says certain things to me, I think that maybe he feels the same way.  But he doesn’t say it, so neither do I.  I think sometimes, that he knows, that he’s on to me.  I kiss him too often or hold him too tightly or look at him for too long, but he still says nothing, so neither do I.  I love that I can love so fully, so unabashedly, so unconditionally, and so unrequited (or presumably unrequited).  But I hate my lingering fear of rejection.  

Is it worse to have a 50/50 chance that the person you love may love you back?  Or is it worse to never know?  Is it better to hope that they will someday love you back?  Is all of this just a girly emotional rant?  Or is this legitimate issue for everyone?   I understand that people love at different speeds based on different factors.  I understand that all fear begins in some form of insecurity, and when it comes to love, perhaps in some way, we feel we don’t deserve the love of our beloved.  

I guess for all of us out there that are waiting for our loves to reciprocate their feelings before we admit ours, I hope for this Valentine’s Day (or someday very soon) we find the courage to break through the fear, brazenly admit our feelings, and as said so perfectly in the film Love Actually “Get the shit kicked out of us by love.”

For those of you who have already thrown caution to the wind and admitted your feelings and have had not so great results, you are my hero, you do what so many of us can’t do, and you deserve all the love that you were willing to give.  

My blog today is written for everyone out there that isn’t afraid to feel love, but is afraid to say it to their love.  I hope that one day we have the strength to put it all out there, to look fear in the face, admit our love, and be O.K. with the answer, even if it’s not the one we are looking for.

Song in my head:  Set Fire to the Rain by Adele

Current Obsession:  Love

Coming Next week:  Control, and how losing it makes life so much easier.

Out for Injury/Insanity

Thursday, August 25, 2011
Right now I'm laying in bed watching reruns of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.  My last yoga class was Tuesday.  I noticed that my flexibility was really good, but my balance wasn't so good.  I swear Zeb keeps the room at 800 degrees because I was on fire!  Once again, after my camel pose, when I went into the final Savasana, I got all teary eyed.  Camel really does bring everything out.

My day as a whole was difficult.  I received some sad news at work, then I had a customer from Virginia on the phone just as the earthquake was hitting.  Hearing her scream for her life, was, shall we say, unpleasant.  I didn't want to go to yoga, but I did.  I had been experiencing some pain just below my sternum and was hoping the class would make it better.  After class I had to go say goodbye to Nicole, who was leaving the next day, to move to New York City.  Again, unpleasant.

Wednesday was my sixth day in a row of working (I'm not so equipped to do that) so I just came home and lazed around.  No yoga.  Today was more of the same.  I am however, concerned with the pain in, what I'm thinking is, a pulled diaphragm.  It sounds silly, but it hurts to laugh, cough, and breathe sometimes.  I'm going to lay off for a while and try to restart the challenge in a few days (or maybe a week).  I feel like a big failure but at least this time I know what I'm getting myself into.

Perhaps in the meantime I'll find something even more exciting to blog about, but for now, Buffy.

Day 9 of 30 (or 60): Back in the Saddle!

The sun didn't start to rise until about half way through class!

Sunday, August 21, 2011
Alarm 5:15 A.M.  Oh my God, I'm actually going to do this.  I rolled out of bed (15 minutes later), made my coffee, grabbed my stuff, and headed down to my first 6 A.M. yoga class.

I was still bummed out that I missed yesterday, but I was super impressed that I was actually going to class this early.  By the time I arrived, I was wide awake and excited to be there.  The fact that I made myself go to bed at like 9:30 P.M. probably helped too.

There were five students total and I clearly was the novice.  I watched (even though you aren't supposed to) one of the instructors that I've never met, who was taking the class, glide into standing bow pose.  It was actually beautiful.  Every part of her was engaged, her form was perfect, I just stared on with envy.  Then looked back at my reflection and thought, oh boy, I have a ways to go!

I watched her do some of the extra floor poses (the teachers always do extras) and was moved once again by her ability.  My ability on the other hand, wasn't so good.  It may have been that I missed yesterday, or maybe it was because it was so early and my body just doesn't move that early in the morning, but I wasn't able to go as deeply into my poses as I could before.

On a lighter note, I had my first class with Mary, an awesome instructor, right up there with Zeb and Shannon.  She was also especially helpful in correcting my crap postures (everyone else was pretty much rocking it so the focus was on me).  It was almost as if I had my own personal yoga class.

After class I took a quick shower then drove over to work.  I felt energized and just plain good at first, but as the day wore on, I got sleepier and sleepier.  At one point, however, Maren texted me that Cherie (the instructor I watched gracefully move from pose to pose in my class) instructed her class and that she was awesome, so that made me happy.

By the time the work day was over, I was ready for bed, but had to go to my friend Nicole's going away party.  It was sad but fun, and my energy was restored.  Then it was a quick stop at the grocery store, a load of laundry, then preparations for the next day.

It was busy, but I was able to handle it, and I didn't feel like I wanted to shoot myself by the end of the night.  This is a good thing.  I was in bed by 11 P.M., and pumped for my next yoga class!  Woot!

Day 8 of 30 (or 60): FAIL

Saturday, August 21, 2011
Last night I couldn't sleep, I started to feel like I was getting sick, and I couldn't get to the 6 A.M. yoga.  FAIL!  I'm so disappointed in myself because it was the only class I was able to take because I had to work.  I was also disappointed because I knew Shannon was teaching it and I love her classes, and haven't had her in a while.

The day sucked as a whole.  I continued to feel worse and worse, and at one point declared to Matt, the poor sap that has to sit across from me at work, that I thought I had a fever. 

I didn't have to work in the evening and had been pumped to go see Brownie Mary at Jam on Walnut, but due to me feeling like poo, I ditched that too. 

When I arrived home, took my temperature (no fever), but I still felt bad.  It was 5 P.M., I got into my jammies, put on, "Honeymoon in Vegas" and grabbed the Doritos.  It turned out to be a pretty decent night. 

Determined to make it to the 6 A.M. class on Sunday, I was in bed by 9:30 P.M.  I've already failed my challenge, but I'm still going to continue.  No more failing here.  I'm ready to ROCK!

Day 7 or 30 (or 60): Ok, I don't totally hate Yoga

Post Yoga meal, Nom Nom Nom

Friday, August 19, 2011
I woke up proud of myself, that I made it through yoga yesterday.  It was so hard for me and I couldn't understand why, until I went to yoga again.

The day as a whole was fine.  Work was fine.  My boss, who I hadn't seen in a week or so, said that my skin looked great and my arms were ripped.  I simply replied, "Bikram Yoga."

A storm came through and there was a Britney Spears concert so I wasn't even sure I was going to make it to the 6 P.M. class, but I did, and so did Maren, just in the nick of time.  We had a new instructor who was way too giddy for my mood that day.  I wanted to relax, I didn't want it to be hard again.  It was.  Not completely though.  There are some poses I look forward to because I can do them easily, others, I just wince at the thought of them but know they will be over soon.

At this point in my journey, I definitely hate the entire standing (or warm up) series but don't mind the floor series as much.  Despite my shall we say, under appreciation for the instructor, she said two things that really made sense.  The first thing she said was that the poses that were the hardest for us, were probably the ones we needed and would benefit from the most.  The second thing was right after we came out of camel pose.  I was lying on the mat, excited that the class was nearly over, and she said that the camel pose, because it's such a deep back bend, brings out whatever emotions are locked up in the deepest part of the spine.  At that moment, my eyes started to well up.  She was right.

Throughout the class someone was in front of the building rocking out to WDVE, so while doing yoga I sang along (in my head of course) to the Allman Brothers, Aerosmith, Boston, and Blue Oyster Cult.  After we finished the Blowing In Firm Pose, we returned to our backs for the last Savasana, just as the Doors screamed, "Save our City!"  Maren and I immediately started laughing, which we knew would be disruptive to the mediators that obviously had missed Jim Morrison's call to the world, or at least our small class.

We retreated to the changing room's quickly, where I immediately began to whine about food.  I hadn't eaten since 12:30 P.M. and I was STARVING.  We went to Walnut Grove and I feasted on a pork chop stuffed with crab and gorgonzola cheese, with mashed potatoes and a bourbon demi glaze.  It was preceded by a caesar salad and bread, and ended with a caramelized walnut ball.  It was the perfect post yoga meal. *See above photo

Tomorrow I have to work and there aren't any evening classes so I have to make the 6 A.M. class.  Can I pull it off?  I don't know.

Day 6 of 30 (or 60): I Hate Yoga

After yoga, uggggh.

Thursday, August 18, 2011
I hated yoga today. I hated every single posture. I hated the breathing. I hated the room. I hated the heat. I hated the way I felt. I especially hated the triangle pose. I think that is my new least favorite position.

But let's back up. I had a great day off. I woke up late, had coffee and doughnuts in bed, blogged, relaxed. Then I went to the pool for a few hours, relaxed some more. I ran a few errands, then headed home to get ready for yoga. I had a great attitude going into it. I was excited for class, that soon changed.

I met Maren at the studio, and we engaged in small talk before class. As I lay there in the hot room I started to feel like I really didn't want to do yoga. I also noticed we had the so/so instructor (who I'm getting used to so I will stop referring to her as the so/so instructor).

As we started our warm up breathing, I knew it was going to be a looooong class.  Every second of the 90 minute class was hard.  Really hard.  When we were finally finished, I talked to Maren about it and she said that was her day yesterday, but today was much better for her.  That gives me hope.

I ended my evening with a hot dog, a hot shower, and bed.  Tomorrow will be better.  I pray it will be better.

Day 5 of 30 (or 60): Things are moving!

Maybe Day 30??

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

I woke up to a blue sky and I was thankful for it.  I didn't however, want to go to work….at all.  The time moved slowly and I had an overwhelming feeling of frustration all day long.  I'm thinking too much.  I'm grumpy. 

I was annoyed by everything.  I don't know why I'm feeling this way, well I sorta do, and that makes me mad too.  It wasn't until the guy that sits across from me at work started eating a scone that was the size of his head, that I smiled, laughed actually.

When I think too much I get like this.  This is why I write, too much crap swirling around in my head.  This is also one of the reasons I started doing yoga.  I can't wait for yoga.  I’m very thankful for that today.  I always feel better after yoga.  And my neck and back pain are completely gone, even with sitting all day long. 

I’ve been noticing that even my walking has become less of a struggle.  The tightness in my inner thighs and groin has gone away and I walk more seamlessly. 

I was tired as tired after work today and would have given anything to stay home from my 8 P.M. yoga class, but I knew I’d feel better so I sucked it up, picked up Maren, and we headed down. 

I laid on my mat in the heated room for a good 10 minutes (a few of them possibly sleeping) before Zeb (the best instructor ever) came in to teach class.  It was hard, as it is everyday, and even though my triangle pose still sucks and I still royally hate the awkward pose, I noticed other things getting better. 

I was able to extend my leg in standing head to knee and even lock my knee for a few seconds.  I was able to do camel pose without wanting to kill myself.  And I could once again touch my head to my knee in sitting head to knee pose (I’m not sure where in my life I stopped being able to do that one).  All in all, my flexibility is returning and I am loving it!

I felt stronger throughout the practice and I loved it more today.  By the time we were finished, I wasn’t tired anymore, I was energized, and I was happy, a feeling I had been waiting for all day long. 

Maren said she was disappointed that she is not improving as quickly as she would like, but I think we are both improving quite well.  We’ve only been there five times and I think we are doing pretty awesomely just making it this far. 

Tomorrow is my day off and I have a busy one planned, but what I’m looking forward to the most is my 8 P.M. practice!